Frustration and Sadness...

Dear Stephen,

Every minute that I spend with you, I cherish and I hold on to. I try to keep you as long as I can because it will be a week, maybe two or three until I can see you again. I’m sorry my behavior has upset you. I’m trying not to be obsessive and possessive. I just simply miss you. I know I need to relax and be patient. I am a patient person, well I thought I was, but I guess my patience starts to wear off after 2 weeks without seeing you. I know your job always comes first no matter the situation. I understand that. But besides your needs and your desires, I appreciate them and I take interest in them. I do voice my opinion from time to time and I support you. I feel that’s all I do. I know your needs and your desires… but do you know mine? I need you to answer that for me. Do you know what I’m interested in? Do you know what my desires are?

I want to mix things up, I want to go out and try new things like when I took you to that Indian restaurant, one of my favorite foods of all time – I felt horrible when you didn’t like the food and worse when you said you were going to throw up. Furthermore, like going out walking in a nice park holding hands; taking a random trip into the wilderness and watching the sun set or something; just go roam around the mall holding hands and loving each other; surprising me with flowers when I least expect it or something, etc. I feel like when we go out, I ALWAYS have to initiate the hand holding, running to catch up behind you, or I just follow you like a lost puppy. I want to feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world to have you when we go out and that you’re mine. I want hugs longer than a minute or having your arms around me and holding me. I feel like I give you a hug and then you just push me away like I’m some annoying little child and you’re focused on something else. I ALWAYS feel inferior to you and the only way to get your attention is to act more emotional. But even if I do that, you just brush me off even more. So, I don’t know how to control that anymore.

I took three days off to try and be with you. One for your birthday – I know you’re working that day, one to celebrate your birthday with you and your friends, and the other one to celebrate being together for one year and eight months. I don’t know if you realize how much it hurts to feel REJECTED and unwanted and to not be able to celebrate with you. But I understand that it’s your birthday and you choose who you want to spend it with, obviously not with me in the picture. I was looking forward to these three days, but I now have to find something else to do.

Am I too selfish of a girlfriend? Do I ask for too much? I need you to tell me. How can I be a better girlfriend? Is it really me? Am I a problem? Like I said before, I’ve tried explaining my feelings to you and you have sometimes reacted to them defensively and eventually turning it around throwing them back at me. Then I’m left hanging with empty hands not knowing what to do, so I just give up.

So I guess you’re done coming to see me in Fort Collins now. The only way I will get to see you now is if I come down to see you. When you texted me that, I was disappointed. I cried to Mikah of course because it had such a huge impact on me and she shook her head in disbelief. I’m sorry my scheduled days off are kind of not on the same page as yours, but I’m trying. I’m really trying.

Tell me Stephen, how can I be a better girlfriend to you? I love you so much it actually hurts. I just need to know what you don’t like about me.

Hope to hear from you soon,
Amy

What is LOVE?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

1 Year 4 Months

Time passes by so fast. Yesterday was our one year and 4 month anniversary. We've had a few obstacles, and I feel like there's more to come. Every relationship is not perfect. You work hard for it and you cherish it. I love Stephen... He's my world and I would do anything for him. I guess one of our challenges is trust and honesty. He tends to hide things from me, which causes me not to trust him at times. He would just say, "Don't worry about it." I'm the type of person who needs to know stuff. If it's hidden then I tend to dwell on it and stress over it, which is stupid, I know. But it's me.

1 year and 4 months... it's a little exciting! :)

Corinthians 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Haven't posted in awhile...

A lot has happened since my last post. I just moved into a new place off of W. Stuart St., in Fort Collins. It's a cute little townhouse; nice sized rooms. The only problem is my sister and I have so much shit! I threw out my Lazyboy recliner that I got from a garage sale awhile back. My sister threw out her double bookcase that was coming apart. We should've cleaned out what we didn't need at the old place. I gave Mikah and Kim our black leather couches from the old house. This move was a little crazy. We had my Uncle's truck and my parents van, that's about it. Our new place was just about a two minute drive from our old one, so it wasn't at all that bad. Razz and are still settling in; unpacking boxes, and sorting through our stuff. Alyssa hasn't moved in yet. Still waiting for her too. Lets see... what else... The cable guys came over today and installed everything for us. Yay... T.V. and internet!

Before the move happened, I got into a huge argument with Stephen. We almost broke up. I just told him how I was feeling and how I wish I could meet his friends and family because I feel a little left out. He turned it around and said that because of me, he hasn't seen his family for a month and his best friends in like five weeks. It was because of me. I thought it wasn't fair at all. I told him that he needs to manage his time better. I also told him that I always ask to see if I can go down to Brighton to see him, or ask him to come up. I always ask. It wasn't like I told him, "No, you can't go see your friends or family, Stephen. I won't let you." I ask to go see him and he knows it. I told him it was all about him. And it still is, I think. Oh well, he does what he wants, right? He always does. One problem with me is I think I'm too needy... I think it's because I wish he would include me in some of the things that he does. For example, go out with his friends, go with him as a date to weddings,just simple things like that. I told him that if it was my appearance, I'm able to change. He just told me to stop worrying. That was it. But I love this man, I'm fighting to make this relationship work. I really am... And it's hurting me a lot.

I switched to Night Shift at work from Day Shift. I definitely like it a lot better. I had to adjust my sleeping schedule, but I think it's working out good. :)

I can't go to school for awhile, so I'm saving up to go later. My mom can't cosign for us anymore because we apparently maxed out her credit, haha. It sucks for all of us. My brother wants to join the Navy now so they can help pay for his education, but my dad is hesitant about it because he's the only boy in the family. We'll see what happens when he graduates. I thought about the National Guard too. But I need to lose all my belly fat before I join, which is going to take me about a year to do that. Geez, I wish I had Jillian from the Biggest Loser to yell at me and make me work out. But my plan starting sometime soon, I don't know when is going to be: After my Night Shift, I go work out at the gym, come home, shower and then go to bed. My gym opens at 6am and I get off work at 6:30 anyway, so I think it'll work out perfectly. Another obstacle is to change my eating habits... more salads/greens, lean meats; just eat more healthy. No more fast food. It's going to be a challenge, but I want to achieve it. Need motivation! Need motivation!

I'm writing this blog from work during my break. I'm trying to stay awake, haha. Just almost 2.5 more hours to work... I can do this... I can do this...

Over $400!

I just got an invoice in the mail for all the lab work that they had done on my body. It's over $400 worth of lab fees/work. They're going to have to wait because I dont have that kind of money to pay them back all at once... That's like my whole paycheck! I have other bills to take care of too.

Damn... I need to go get my text books, lol. Or maybe I could just go to the library.

Vacation needed?

I just want to go lay on the sandy beaches in the nice warm sun! That's all I want right now.