Frustration and Sadness...

Dear Stephen,

Every minute that I spend with you, I cherish and I hold on to. I try to keep you as long as I can because it will be a week, maybe two or three until I can see you again. I’m sorry my behavior has upset you. I’m trying not to be obsessive and possessive. I just simply miss you. I know I need to relax and be patient. I am a patient person, well I thought I was, but I guess my patience starts to wear off after 2 weeks without seeing you. I know your job always comes first no matter the situation. I understand that. But besides your needs and your desires, I appreciate them and I take interest in them. I do voice my opinion from time to time and I support you. I feel that’s all I do. I know your needs and your desires… but do you know mine? I need you to answer that for me. Do you know what I’m interested in? Do you know what my desires are?

I want to mix things up, I want to go out and try new things like when I took you to that Indian restaurant, one of my favorite foods of all time – I felt horrible when you didn’t like the food and worse when you said you were going to throw up. Furthermore, like going out walking in a nice park holding hands; taking a random trip into the wilderness and watching the sun set or something; just go roam around the mall holding hands and loving each other; surprising me with flowers when I least expect it or something, etc. I feel like when we go out, I ALWAYS have to initiate the hand holding, running to catch up behind you, or I just follow you like a lost puppy. I want to feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world to have you when we go out and that you’re mine. I want hugs longer than a minute or having your arms around me and holding me. I feel like I give you a hug and then you just push me away like I’m some annoying little child and you’re focused on something else. I ALWAYS feel inferior to you and the only way to get your attention is to act more emotional. But even if I do that, you just brush me off even more. So, I don’t know how to control that anymore.

I took three days off to try and be with you. One for your birthday – I know you’re working that day, one to celebrate your birthday with you and your friends, and the other one to celebrate being together for one year and eight months. I don’t know if you realize how much it hurts to feel REJECTED and unwanted and to not be able to celebrate with you. But I understand that it’s your birthday and you choose who you want to spend it with, obviously not with me in the picture. I was looking forward to these three days, but I now have to find something else to do.

Am I too selfish of a girlfriend? Do I ask for too much? I need you to tell me. How can I be a better girlfriend? Is it really me? Am I a problem? Like I said before, I’ve tried explaining my feelings to you and you have sometimes reacted to them defensively and eventually turning it around throwing them back at me. Then I’m left hanging with empty hands not knowing what to do, so I just give up.

So I guess you’re done coming to see me in Fort Collins now. The only way I will get to see you now is if I come down to see you. When you texted me that, I was disappointed. I cried to Mikah of course because it had such a huge impact on me and she shook her head in disbelief. I’m sorry my scheduled days off are kind of not on the same page as yours, but I’m trying. I’m really trying.

Tell me Stephen, how can I be a better girlfriend to you? I love you so much it actually hurts. I just need to know what you don’t like about me.

Hope to hear from you soon,
Amy